Finishing Well Part 1

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN JULY 2013

We wanted to finish well. We began our race in Indiana thinking it would be a 15 year marathon. 

We thought my mom had that long. But 3 years after our arrival, she went Home, and we were left to ask, "What now Lord? Where would You have us?"

We initially felt He would lead us rather quickly into a full time position for my husband somewhere else. But as the months and years went by, we wondered.

Well, I wondered. After 9 years I became convinced Indiana was where He would have us. I began to learn about this wonderful thing called "Community". With it came "Authenticity" and "Transparency" and "Intentionality." I fell in love with the Body of Christ, and met God as my Abba Father, after all these years. We felt God awakening us and awakening those in our sphere with His Spirit, His call to more, more... more relationship, more desperateness, more hunger and thirst for more of Him.

He gave me sisters who were not afraid to call me out on sin, or challenge me to rise up and be the woman of God He has made me to be. He gave me sisters who taught me how to laugh at myself, how to see the gray in my black and white world, and how to rest in His finished work on the Cross.

God thoroughly swept through every corner of my life, making me lay down all that I found my identity in besides Him. It was not pretty, and there are tell tale signs of the struggle still discernable in my life, if you know me well enough.  And then He gave me two distinct times when I lost hope. I could not see Jesus, and that scared me most of all. I could not see Him, hear Him, discern Him, and up to that point, no matter what happened around us, in my husband, in my kids, I could see Jesus, see purpose, see Hope, and I hung on. But Hope was gone, and all I could do was cry out to Jesus.  Mercifully, those two times were very short, but the impression they left are permanent.  He is my All. Without Him, I have nothing. I know this, because He proved it.

During those times, I didn't care whether or not our circumstances changed. I only wanted to stay close to Jesus, to stay close to my Abba Father who taught me to pray for His best and wait for it, no matter how long, to stay close to the community He gave to me, to the sisters who walked arm in arm with me and loved me deeply, even though they knew me thoroughly.

And then He called us to move.

Some Thoughts On Grace....

I was challenged yet again to give grace. Not demanded of, but challenged. The challenge came from a man I respect, whom I see as my spiritual dad. He's challenged me on this before, when he heard my tone regarding someone else.

This will cost me. And yet what will I pay that I did not receive myself, a thousand times over? So I began to think through what I've learned over the past few years regarding grace. This is not exhaustive, nor well written or thought out.... just my thoughts.

Grace can never be demanded, yet it demands to be freely given.

Grace is not "fluffy, feel good emotion" one extends to another. It comes with death - the death of the one who extends it. For us, not literal death, but a death to self. That's why demanded grace without grace given can be so offensive - it's a calling for another's death, without one's own willingness to die.

Extending grace is one of the most strength filled acts, requiring one's death for the benefit of another - it is the ultimate demonstration of strength under control (a definition of gentleness).

To extend grace gracefully, it requires a humility that had to previously exist, born from the fire of adversity.

Grace, by definition, is not earned. It is freely given. True grace does not require another to earn my acts of grace. I need to think about that.

Grace, when extended under the submission of the Spirit, is so, so beautiful. On the human level it probably heals more in the one who extends it, than in the one who receives it. There is joy, intimacy with Jesus, and peace, when one by faith, extends grace to one who does not deserve it. We see so much more of our own need of it, and it makes us more in awe of our Grace Filled Savior.

How grateful I am that I am not left to myself. Thank You Abba, for walking out grace through me.

He Is, and I am Not

Father, thank you. Thank you for painstakingly showing me how you care so much about me, about the kids.  Thank you that you put into Matt's heart to get home before Anna, otherwise it would have been her first time home alone after school, and we had not prepped her for it. Thank you for letting me get to Emily's school in time to pick her up, even though we had not talked about who was going to go get her. Thank you that even though my phone was dead, and she might have called me with no answer, she did not panic, but chose to begin to walk to her friend's house with her friend. Thank you that when I cried out to You, not knowing what to do or where to find Em, you let me catch a glimpse of her coat at the end of the block. Thank you that Em saw Matt driving by at that same moment, because You had placed it in his heart to go get Em too. Thank you that she saw Anna with him, and my mother's heart was calmed; all the kids were safe.

Father, I could not have orchestrated that. I could not have figured any of that out. My car was not dependable, my phone was not charged. I had no, no way to communicate with my kids, or my husband. But You did it, even before I knew my need, You had it all in Your control.

I believe the plans You have for us are for our good... to teach us to have joy in You, no matter what. To teach us to really believe that You are Sovereign. And to bring Yourself glory as we are more and more satisfied in You, believing that our heart's desire is to know You, really know You by experience, not just by theology.

You are the longing of my heart today Abba. It is okay if our circumstances do not change. The delay is not because You do not hear, or do not care. Thank You for that insight last night. You never fail to give us your best. And You never fail to do it in Your best time. I do not seek a change in circumstances Abba.... I desire, with all my heart, for a change of heart!  You have made marvelous to me Your lovingkindness in a besieged city. You are the desire of my heart.

Choosing To See

Let hope be not quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love shall make thine,
Let no gloom dim thine eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of God and the blue of His sky.

The storm is thy shelter from danger and sin, 
And God Himself takes thee for safety within,
The tempest with Him passeth into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on his child in the eye of the storm

These are words from a devotional that I posted over a year and a half ago. I read them and see how desperate I still am for the calm of the eye of the storm.... and how much I do not wish to be in the eye, because that means more is coming.

I have seen Jesus though, in this storm that has lasted several years. I have seen Him put people and resources in front of me that challenge and convict. I have seen Him display His glory is ways that move my heart to worship anew. I have more deeply treasured the friends that are not afraid to tell me the truth, that are not afraid to tell me the hard things, and who love me when I cannot see. 

And I am tired of not being able to see. So I will try, on this blog, to record the remarkable things an ordinary girl can see from an extraordinary God. And there is something everyday, if I will pay attention. I have been too self absorbed to notice much, except what I lack. I am tired of crying out for what I do not have. I choose to praise Him for what I do. 

Today, while in the parking lot at church, my car died. It was time, it seemed. Every morning when I start it up, it complains. And every morning I whisper a praise to God that it started, and I can go to work.  When I  turned the key in the ignition, nothing. Just that awful death rattle of an engine that has no spark of life left.  I called my husband. No answer. I texted him that the car died, and I'd wait for him in the office.  Then I sat there in the silence. The thought came to pump the gas while turning the key. If I had stopped to think about it, it would have seemed ridiculous. That's old school. This is a fuel injected car. But I did. I pressed the gas while turning the ignition. Something complained and died. Then I pumped the gas, turned the key, wondering if I was flooding the line. It sputtered and coughed and in a wonderful moment of triumph, roared to life. I could NOT believe it. I drove straight home. 

That was my extraordinary Abba Father taking care of His ordinary girl today. How has God been extraordinary in your journey today?

The Eye of the Storm

Fear not that the whirlwind shall carry thee hence,
Nor wait for its onslaught in breathless suspense,
Nor shrink from the whips of the terrible hail,
But pass through the edge to the heart of the tale,
For there is a shelter, sunlighted and warm,
And Faith sees her God through the eye of the storm.

The passionate tempest with rush and wild roar
And threatenings of evil may beat on the shore,
The waves may be mountains, the fields battle plains,
And the earth be immersed in a deluge of rains,
Ye, the soul, stayed on God, may sing bravely its psalm,
For the heart of the storm is the center of calm.

Let hope be not quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love shall make thine,
Let no gloom dim thine eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of they Go9d and the blue of His sky.

The storm is thy shelter from danger and sin,
And God Himself takes thee for safety within,
The tempest with Him passeth into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on his child in the eye of the storm.

C.E. Cowman

Jesus, Draw Me Ever Nearer

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgpKYWENgNQ&feature=related

If you want me to.....

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtNzOpKvPfw&feature=related