I love reading over the posts written about a year ago. I had not remembered that I left them as drafts. Only now, prompted by the Spirit to reread some of what I have posted, do I see what He has done. Oh the clarity that comes when looking back! Oh how I desire to look ahead with the same trust and faith, tracing His hand in the future as I have in the past.
He let us finish well. He let us sprint to the end in community in Indiana. We left, sent by those with whom we were running our race. Some wondered at how we stayed engaged in relationships. Typically, people begin to necessarily disengage from their sphere when faced with a move, some kind of self protective heart measure. But we were desperate to stay connected. We wanted to somehow strengthen what we knew would be lifelines for us in our new sphere. That's the beauty of community. We stay intentional. Not perfectly, but purposefully.
For me, the first few months here in PA were whirlwind. We settled into condo living, Matt began his new position. For the kids and I, it was a sweet time. We only had one another Their connectedness with me, and my intentionality with them was restful and rich. Our hearts were closely knit, we only had one another. They are still close, but slowly, friends have captured some of their time and attention, and that is good, and right.
God was very clear with me in those first few months here. Will you pursue Me now as much as you have? Will you pursue relationship with Me, in your freedom, as much as you did in your captivity?
I confess, without a driving desperate need, I don't pursue relationship with my Abba Father, I tend to slack, or become lackadaisical. He is so kind, as to provide need, to reveal my need. I again am desperate.
At the beginning of our last season, when God made it clear He was sending us into a storm, and it would be massive in scope, reaching and cleansing every part of us, my thought then was, "if Matt would learn the lessons quick, we can get out of here." How very kind of God, to almost immediately reveal to me, that this was for my own purpose too. I was not in the valley, walking through storm, because of my husband. No, God Himself had things to refine in me, and it was time to burn them out. I saw Him strip away much of our identity in anything else but Him. It is so very painful, but I promise, because He promises, that on this side of things, there is a greater capacity for joy.
I watched as God did major surgery on my own heart, my fears, my dreams and vision. He opened lines of communication with Him through prayer, that I never thought I could experience. He revealed Himself as my Abba, my Father, tenderly dealing with me, with strength in His hands. He burned and refined and stripped and sanded and buffed and revealed.... and through the brokenness, I could see Him more clearly.
He began this with Matt too. Without telling his story (we all need to tell our own) that man is not the same man I married. We are both refined by a gracious, generous God who will not leave us to ourselves.
Somehow, even through all that, I have been shortsighted. I believed the lie that that kind of refining was over. That the time of incredible fruit was now, and ....... what? That's what's been staring me in the face these few days. Like Noah, I feel like I have spent a great deal of time obeying God, and in the midst of doing what seemed fruitless to others, or misunderstood by them, I have seen my God. I didn't care if others understood why I followed the way I followed, I just wanted them to know the love and the relationship of their Abba Father the way I have come to know Him. After awhile, I truly enjoyed not pursing anything but more relationship with my Abba. I grew to enjoy the time with Him, believing that I would have what I needed for that day to continue the journey.
But Noah wasn't done with trial after building the boat. That alone took a few centuries. Then the flood came, and he had to choose to believe and worship God again, even in the midst of so much death and destruction. I forget, that while it rained for 40 days, Noah and his family were on the boat for about a year. A year. And after that, there wasn't the sunshine and rainbows that we see in the children's pictures. Real work and difficulties, and disobedience and consequences awaited once they all stepped off that boat.
I think I thought I would be done with the trial. And because I am a daughter of the King of Kings, He is still determined to see more of Him in me. This means refining, deeper passes into this gospel of grace, less of me, less of self that can only come through death of self. I am still so incredibly selfish. But my God sits as a refiner and wills that He sees more and more of His image in me.
So I'm learning to rest, to behold, and take Him at His word, in this new season. "As You have been, so You shall be." You are whom You say You are, and will not rest in "good enough." You mean to answer my prayer, to praise You more and more, unhindered by the sin and selfishness that so easily entangles.
You can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine, according to this great power that works within me, to the praise of Your glory in the Church and in Jesus Messiah, through all generations, forever and ever. How I desire that Your fame, Your renown be the desire of the soul of everyone in my own sphere. How I desire that Your incredible love be displayed to those whom are hopeless. Command what You will O God, and grant what You command. I come empty, and trade the empty for what satisfies. (Isaiah 55:1-2; Matt 5:3).
Teach me to rest, to behold, and send me, O God, send me, to whomever You will.
Isaiah 12:2-6
Behold, God is my salvation
I will trust, and will not be afraid
for the Lord God is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”
With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:
“Give thanks to the Lord
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples
proclaim that his name is exalted.
“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously
let this be made known in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion
for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.”
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Finishing Well Part 2
ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AUGUST 2013
For about a year, I had been challenged with the idea of praying for God's best. This challenge came indirectly from a dear friend of mine, in whom I had seen a trust and desperateness for all of God, all that He would give. She wanted His best for her, and was willing to see everything in her life, her circumstances, as His answer to that trustful prayer.
I watched her as she submitted to the most difficult relationships in her life, as His means of answering that prayer for her. The difficult circumstances that would lay most anyone flat, or cause bitterness, she purposefully and prayerfully said thank You for, and believed it was for her best that He allowed her to experience these things.
Instead of bitterness, tenderness was wrought in her life. Instead of anger, compassion grew for others. Instead of fear, a deliberate choice of trust began to grow. The Spirit uses that fragrance of Christ to draw others to that same kind of life. I wanted it too. And so by faith I began to pray for His best in my own life.
Funny thing when we start praying for ourselves...eventually we see it really is for our comfort that we pray, more often than not. We might not realize that, think that, and might be horrified at the suggestion, but all i can say, is that when I started praying for God's best, I meant for my husband. Still seems pretty sacrificial, until you understand that I wanted my husband to submit to God's best for him, recognize it as such, so we could get on with life. Obviously, Gods best was in Indiana, and the sooner he recognized it, the happier I would be. Truth be told, and to be fair, yes, I wanted God's best for me. Yes, I was becoming desperate to let Him have His way in me, where ever that road led. Yes, I began to realize that His way is best, no matter what, and above all, I wanted His best for me too. My joy was not found in circumstances, but in the God of my circumstances who was personally choosing the path for me that would create the most hunger and thirst for Him. How I want that! But one does not know what one believes, truly, deep down, until she is given the opportunity to walk out what she says she believes.
I thought I believed that I wanted God's best for my family, no matter where that led. When my husband told me the church with whom he was interviewing wanted to meet me, it stopped me cold. This church was in another state. For years, through countless interviews and skypes and questionnaires, no church we were seriously interested in wanted to meet me. Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I knew God was going to move us. My theology challenged my reality: Haven't I prayed for God's best? Will I not receive this as His answer? Will I trust Him that this is the best not just for my husband, but for me, for our whole family, even for the Body of Christ?
For about a year, I had been challenged with the idea of praying for God's best. This challenge came indirectly from a dear friend of mine, in whom I had seen a trust and desperateness for all of God, all that He would give. She wanted His best for her, and was willing to see everything in her life, her circumstances, as His answer to that trustful prayer.
I watched her as she submitted to the most difficult relationships in her life, as His means of answering that prayer for her. The difficult circumstances that would lay most anyone flat, or cause bitterness, she purposefully and prayerfully said thank You for, and believed it was for her best that He allowed her to experience these things.
Instead of bitterness, tenderness was wrought in her life. Instead of anger, compassion grew for others. Instead of fear, a deliberate choice of trust began to grow. The Spirit uses that fragrance of Christ to draw others to that same kind of life. I wanted it too. And so by faith I began to pray for His best in my own life.
Funny thing when we start praying for ourselves...eventually we see it really is for our comfort that we pray, more often than not. We might not realize that, think that, and might be horrified at the suggestion, but all i can say, is that when I started praying for God's best, I meant for my husband. Still seems pretty sacrificial, until you understand that I wanted my husband to submit to God's best for him, recognize it as such, so we could get on with life. Obviously, Gods best was in Indiana, and the sooner he recognized it, the happier I would be. Truth be told, and to be fair, yes, I wanted God's best for me. Yes, I was becoming desperate to let Him have His way in me, where ever that road led. Yes, I began to realize that His way is best, no matter what, and above all, I wanted His best for me too. My joy was not found in circumstances, but in the God of my circumstances who was personally choosing the path for me that would create the most hunger and thirst for Him. How I want that! But one does not know what one believes, truly, deep down, until she is given the opportunity to walk out what she says she believes.
I thought I believed that I wanted God's best for my family, no matter where that led. When my husband told me the church with whom he was interviewing wanted to meet me, it stopped me cold. This church was in another state. For years, through countless interviews and skypes and questionnaires, no church we were seriously interested in wanted to meet me. Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I knew God was going to move us. My theology challenged my reality: Haven't I prayed for God's best? Will I not receive this as His answer? Will I trust Him that this is the best not just for my husband, but for me, for our whole family, even for the Body of Christ?
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Finishing Well Part 1
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We wanted to finish well. We began our race in Indiana thinking it would be a 15 year marathon.
We initially felt He would lead us rather quickly into a full time position for my husband somewhere else. But as the months and years went by, we wondered.
Well, I wondered. After 9 years I became convinced Indiana was where He would have us. I began to learn about this wonderful thing called "Community". With it came "Authenticity" and "Transparency" and "Intentionality." I fell in love with the Body of Christ, and met God as my Abba Father, after all these years. We felt God awakening us and awakening those in our sphere with His Spirit, His call to more, more... more relationship, more desperateness, more hunger and thirst for more of Him.
He gave me sisters who were not afraid to call me out on sin, or challenge me to rise up and be the woman of God He has made me to be. He gave me sisters who taught me how to laugh at myself, how to see the gray in my black and white world, and how to rest in His finished work on the Cross.
God thoroughly swept through every corner of my life, making me lay down all that I found my identity in besides Him. It was not pretty, and there are tell tale signs of the struggle still discernable in my life, if you know me well enough. And then He gave me two distinct times when I lost hope. I could not see Jesus, and that scared me most of all. I could not see Him, hear Him, discern Him, and up to that point, no matter what happened around us, in my husband, in my kids, I could see Jesus, see purpose, see Hope, and I hung on. But Hope was gone, and all I could do was cry out to Jesus. Mercifully, those two times were very short, but the impression they left are permanent. He is my All. Without Him, I have nothing. I know this, because He proved it.
During those times, I didn't care whether or not our circumstances changed. I only wanted to stay close to Jesus, to stay close to my Abba Father who taught me to pray for His best and wait for it, no matter how long, to stay close to the community He gave to me, to the sisters who walked arm in arm with me and loved me deeply, even though they knew me thoroughly.
And then He called us to move.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Some Thoughts On Grace....
I was challenged yet again to give grace. Not demanded of, but challenged. The challenge came from a man I respect, whom I see as my spiritual dad. He's challenged me on this before, when he heard my tone regarding someone else.
This will cost me. And yet what will I pay that I did not receive myself, a thousand times over? So I began to think through what I've learned over the past few years regarding grace. This is not exhaustive, nor well written or thought out.... just my thoughts.
Grace can never be demanded, yet it demands to be freely given.
Grace is not "fluffy, feel good emotion" one extends to another. It comes with death - the death of the one who extends it. For us, not literal death, but a death to self. That's why demanded grace without grace given can be so offensive - it's a calling for another's death, without one's own willingness to die.
Extending grace is one of the most strength filled acts, requiring one's death for the benefit of another - it is the ultimate demonstration of strength under control (a definition of gentleness).
To extend grace gracefully, it requires a humility that had to previously exist, born from the fire of adversity.
Grace, by definition, is not earned. It is freely given. True grace does not require another to earn my acts of grace. I need to think about that.
Grace, when extended under the submission of the Spirit, is so, so beautiful. On the human level it probably heals more in the one who extends it, than in the one who receives it. There is joy, intimacy with Jesus, and peace, when one by faith, extends grace to one who does not deserve it. We see so much more of our own need of it, and it makes us more in awe of our Grace Filled Savior.
How grateful I am that I am not left to myself. Thank You Abba, for walking out grace through me.
This will cost me. And yet what will I pay that I did not receive myself, a thousand times over? So I began to think through what I've learned over the past few years regarding grace. This is not exhaustive, nor well written or thought out.... just my thoughts.
Grace can never be demanded, yet it demands to be freely given.
Grace is not "fluffy, feel good emotion" one extends to another. It comes with death - the death of the one who extends it. For us, not literal death, but a death to self. That's why demanded grace without grace given can be so offensive - it's a calling for another's death, without one's own willingness to die.
Extending grace is one of the most strength filled acts, requiring one's death for the benefit of another - it is the ultimate demonstration of strength under control (a definition of gentleness).
To extend grace gracefully, it requires a humility that had to previously exist, born from the fire of adversity.
Grace, by definition, is not earned. It is freely given. True grace does not require another to earn my acts of grace. I need to think about that.
Grace, when extended under the submission of the Spirit, is so, so beautiful. On the human level it probably heals more in the one who extends it, than in the one who receives it. There is joy, intimacy with Jesus, and peace, when one by faith, extends grace to one who does not deserve it. We see so much more of our own need of it, and it makes us more in awe of our Grace Filled Savior.
How grateful I am that I am not left to myself. Thank You Abba, for walking out grace through me.
Friday, December 14, 2012
He Is, and I am Not
Father, thank you. Thank you for painstakingly showing me how you care so much about me, about the kids. Thank you that you put into Matt's heart to get home before Anna, otherwise it would have been her first time home alone after school, and we had not prepped her for it. Thank you for letting me get to Emily's school in time to pick her up, even though we had not talked about who was going to go get her. Thank you that even though my phone was dead, and she might have called me with no answer, she did not panic, but chose to begin to walk to her friend's house with her friend. Thank you that when I cried out to You, not knowing what to do or where to find Em, you let me catch a glimpse of her coat at the end of the block. Thank you that Em saw Matt driving by at that same moment, because You had placed it in his heart to go get Em too. Thank you that she saw Anna with him, and my mother's heart was calmed; all the kids were safe.
Father, I could not have orchestrated that. I could not have figured any of that out. My car was not dependable, my phone was not charged. I had no, no way to communicate with my kids, or my husband. But You did it, even before I knew my need, You had it all in Your control.
I believe the plans You have for us are for our good... to teach us to have joy in You, no matter what. To teach us to really believe that You are Sovereign. And to bring Yourself glory as we are more and more satisfied in You, believing that our heart's desire is to know You, really know You by experience, not just by theology.
You are the longing of my heart today Abba. It is okay if our circumstances do not change. The delay is not because You do not hear, or do not care. Thank You for that insight last night. You never fail to give us your best. And You never fail to do it in Your best time. I do not seek a change in circumstances Abba.... I desire, with all my heart, for a change of heart! You have made marvelous to me Your lovingkindness in a besieged city. You are the desire of my heart.
Father, I could not have orchestrated that. I could not have figured any of that out. My car was not dependable, my phone was not charged. I had no, no way to communicate with my kids, or my husband. But You did it, even before I knew my need, You had it all in Your control.
I believe the plans You have for us are for our good... to teach us to have joy in You, no matter what. To teach us to really believe that You are Sovereign. And to bring Yourself glory as we are more and more satisfied in You, believing that our heart's desire is to know You, really know You by experience, not just by theology.
You are the longing of my heart today Abba. It is okay if our circumstances do not change. The delay is not because You do not hear, or do not care. Thank You for that insight last night. You never fail to give us your best. And You never fail to do it in Your best time. I do not seek a change in circumstances Abba.... I desire, with all my heart, for a change of heart! You have made marvelous to me Your lovingkindness in a besieged city. You are the desire of my heart.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Choosing To See
Let hope be not quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love shall make thine,
Let no gloom dim thine eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of God and the blue of His sky.
The storm is thy shelter from danger and sin,
And God Himself takes thee for safety within,
The tempest with Him passeth into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on his child in the eye of the storm
These are words from a devotional that I posted over a year and a half ago. I read them and see how desperate I still am for the calm of the eye of the storm.... and how much I do not wish to be in the eye, because that means more is coming.
I have seen Jesus though, in this storm that has lasted several years. I have seen Him put people and resources in front of me that challenge and convict. I have seen Him display His glory is ways that move my heart to worship anew. I have more deeply treasured the friends that are not afraid to tell me the truth, that are not afraid to tell me the hard things, and who love me when I cannot see.
And I am tired of not being able to see. So I will try, on this blog, to record the remarkable things an ordinary girl can see from an extraordinary God. And there is something everyday, if I will pay attention. I have been too self absorbed to notice much, except what I lack. I am tired of crying out for what I do not have. I choose to praise Him for what I do.
Today, while in the parking lot at church, my car died. It was time, it seemed. Every morning when I start it up, it complains. And every morning I whisper a praise to God that it started, and I can go to work. When I turned the key in the ignition, nothing. Just that awful death rattle of an engine that has no spark of life left. I called my husband. No answer. I texted him that the car died, and I'd wait for him in the office. Then I sat there in the silence. The thought came to pump the gas while turning the key. If I had stopped to think about it, it would have seemed ridiculous. That's old school. This is a fuel injected car. But I did. I pressed the gas while turning the ignition. Something complained and died. Then I pumped the gas, turned the key, wondering if I was flooding the line. It sputtered and coughed and in a wonderful moment of triumph, roared to life. I could NOT believe it. I drove straight home.
That was my extraordinary Abba Father taking care of His ordinary girl today. How has God been extraordinary in your journey today?
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love shall make thine,
Let no gloom dim thine eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of God and the blue of His sky.
The storm is thy shelter from danger and sin,
And God Himself takes thee for safety within,
The tempest with Him passeth into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on his child in the eye of the storm
These are words from a devotional that I posted over a year and a half ago. I read them and see how desperate I still am for the calm of the eye of the storm.... and how much I do not wish to be in the eye, because that means more is coming.
I have seen Jesus though, in this storm that has lasted several years. I have seen Him put people and resources in front of me that challenge and convict. I have seen Him display His glory is ways that move my heart to worship anew. I have more deeply treasured the friends that are not afraid to tell me the truth, that are not afraid to tell me the hard things, and who love me when I cannot see.
And I am tired of not being able to see. So I will try, on this blog, to record the remarkable things an ordinary girl can see from an extraordinary God. And there is something everyday, if I will pay attention. I have been too self absorbed to notice much, except what I lack. I am tired of crying out for what I do not have. I choose to praise Him for what I do.
Today, while in the parking lot at church, my car died. It was time, it seemed. Every morning when I start it up, it complains. And every morning I whisper a praise to God that it started, and I can go to work. When I turned the key in the ignition, nothing. Just that awful death rattle of an engine that has no spark of life left. I called my husband. No answer. I texted him that the car died, and I'd wait for him in the office. Then I sat there in the silence. The thought came to pump the gas while turning the key. If I had stopped to think about it, it would have seemed ridiculous. That's old school. This is a fuel injected car. But I did. I pressed the gas while turning the ignition. Something complained and died. Then I pumped the gas, turned the key, wondering if I was flooding the line. It sputtered and coughed and in a wonderful moment of triumph, roared to life. I could NOT believe it. I drove straight home.
That was my extraordinary Abba Father taking care of His ordinary girl today. How has God been extraordinary in your journey today?
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Eye of the Storm
Fear not that the whirlwind shall carry thee hence,
Nor wait for its onslaught in breathless suspense,
Nor shrink from the whips of the terrible hail,
But pass through the edge to the heart of the tale,
For there is a shelter, sunlighted and warm,
And Faith sees her God through the eye of the storm.
The passionate tempest with rush and wild roar
And threatenings of evil may beat on the shore,
The waves may be mountains, the fields battle plains,
And the earth be immersed in a deluge of rains,
Ye, the soul, stayed on God, may sing bravely its psalm,
For the heart of the storm is the center of calm.
Let hope be not quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love shall make thine,
Let no gloom dim thine eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of they Go9d and the blue of His sky.
The storm is thy shelter from danger and sin,
And God Himself takes thee for safety within,
The tempest with Him passeth into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on his child in the eye of the storm.
C.E. Cowman
Nor wait for its onslaught in breathless suspense,
Nor shrink from the whips of the terrible hail,
But pass through the edge to the heart of the tale,
For there is a shelter, sunlighted and warm,
And Faith sees her God through the eye of the storm.
The passionate tempest with rush and wild roar
And threatenings of evil may beat on the shore,
The waves may be mountains, the fields battle plains,
And the earth be immersed in a deluge of rains,
Ye, the soul, stayed on God, may sing bravely its psalm,
For the heart of the storm is the center of calm.
Let hope be not quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love shall make thine,
Let no gloom dim thine eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of they Go9d and the blue of His sky.
The storm is thy shelter from danger and sin,
And God Himself takes thee for safety within,
The tempest with Him passeth into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on his child in the eye of the storm.
C.E. Cowman
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