Saturday, April 5, 2014

Continuing the Journey

I love reading over the posts written about a year ago. I had not remembered that I left them as drafts. Only now, prompted by the Spirit to reread some of what I have posted, do I see what He has done. Oh the clarity that comes when looking back! Oh how I desire to look ahead with the same trust and faith, tracing His hand in the future as I have in the past.

He let us finish well. He let us sprint to the end in community in Indiana. We left, sent by those with whom we were running our race. Some wondered at how we stayed engaged in relationships. Typically, people begin to necessarily disengage from their sphere when faced with a move, some kind of self protective heart measure. But we were desperate to stay connected. We wanted to somehow strengthen what we knew would be lifelines for us in our new sphere. That's the beauty of community. We stay intentional. Not perfectly, but purposefully.

For me, the first few months here in PA were whirlwind. We settled into condo living, Matt began his new position. For the kids and I, it was a sweet time. We only had one another Their connectedness with me, and my intentionality with them was restful and rich. Our hearts were closely knit, we only had one another. They are still close, but slowly, friends have captured some of their time and attention, and that is good, and right.

God was very clear with me in those first few months here. Will you pursue Me now as much as you have? Will you pursue relationship with Me, in your freedom, as much as you did in your captivity?

I confess, without a driving desperate need, I don't pursue relationship with my Abba Father, I tend to slack, or become lackadaisical. He is so kind, as to provide need, to reveal my need. I again am desperate.

At the beginning of our last season, when God made it clear He was sending us into a storm, and it would be massive in scope, reaching and cleansing every part of us, my thought then was, "if Matt would learn the lessons quick, we can get out of here." How very kind of God, to almost immediately reveal to me, that this was for my own purpose too. I was not in the valley, walking through storm, because of my husband. No, God Himself had things to refine in me, and it was time to burn them out. I saw Him strip away much of our identity in anything else but Him. It is so very painful, but I promise, because He promises, that on this side of things, there is a greater capacity for joy.

I watched as God did major surgery on my own heart, my fears, my dreams and vision.  He opened lines of communication with Him through prayer, that I never thought I could experience. He revealed Himself as my Abba, my Father, tenderly dealing with me, with strength in His hands. He burned and refined and stripped and sanded and buffed and revealed.... and through the brokenness, I could see Him more clearly.

He began this with Matt too. Without telling his story (we all need to tell our own) that man is not the same man I married. We are both refined by a gracious, generous God who will not leave us to ourselves.

Somehow, even through all that, I have been shortsighted. I believed the lie that that kind of refining was over. That the time of incredible fruit was now, and ....... what? That's what's been staring me in the face these few days. Like Noah, I feel like I have spent a great deal of time obeying God, and in the midst of doing what seemed fruitless to others, or misunderstood by them, I have seen my God. I didn't care if others understood why I followed the way I followed, I just wanted them to know the love and the relationship of their Abba Father the way I have come to know Him. After awhile, I truly enjoyed not pursing anything but more relationship with my Abba. I grew to enjoy the time with Him, believing that I would have what I needed for that day to continue the journey.

But Noah wasn't done with trial after building the boat. That alone took a few centuries. Then the flood came, and he had to choose to believe and worship God again, even in the midst of so much death and destruction. I forget, that while it rained for 40 days, Noah and his family were on the boat for about a year. A year. And after that, there wasn't the sunshine and rainbows that we see in the children's pictures. Real work and difficulties, and disobedience and consequences awaited once they all stepped off that boat.

I think I thought I would be done with the trial. And because I am a daughter of the King of Kings,  He is still determined to see more of Him in me. This means refining, deeper passes into this gospel of grace, less of me, less of self that can only come through death of self. I am still so incredibly selfish. But my God sits as a refiner and wills that He sees more and more of His image in me.

So I'm learning to rest, to behold, and take Him at His word, in this new season. "As You have been, so You shall be." You are whom You say You are, and will not rest in "good enough." You mean to answer my prayer, to praise You more and more, unhindered by the sin and selfishness that so easily entangles.

You can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine, according to this great power that works within me, to the praise of Your glory in the Church and in Jesus Messiah, through all generations, forever and ever. How I desire that Your fame, Your renown be the desire of the soul of everyone in my own sphere. How I desire that Your incredible love be displayed to those whom are hopeless. Command what You will O God, and grant what You command. I come empty, and trade the empty for what satisfies. (Isaiah 55:1-2; Matt 5:3).

Teach me to rest, to behold, and send me, O God, send me, to whomever You will.

Isaiah 12:2-6

Behold, God is my salvation
I will trust, and will not be afraid
for the Lord God is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation.”

With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. And you will say in that day:

“Give thanks to the Lord
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples
proclaim that his name is exalted.

“Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously
let this be made known in all the earth.
Shout, and sing for joy, O inhabitant of Zion
for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.”

Finishing Well Part 2

ORIGINALLY WRITTEN AUGUST 2013

For about a year, I had been challenged with the idea of praying for God's best. This challenge came indirectly from a dear friend of mine, in whom I had seen a trust and desperateness for all of God, all that He would give. She wanted His best for her, and was willing to see everything in her life, her circumstances, as His answer to that trustful prayer.

I watched her as she submitted to the most difficult relationships in her life, as His means of answering that prayer for her. The difficult circumstances that would lay most anyone flat, or cause bitterness, she purposefully and prayerfully said thank You for, and believed it was for her best that He allowed her to experience these things.

Instead of bitterness, tenderness was wrought in her life. Instead of anger, compassion grew for others. Instead of fear, a deliberate choice of trust began to grow. The Spirit uses that fragrance of Christ to draw others to that same kind of life. I wanted it too. And so by faith I began to pray for His best in my own life.

Funny thing when we start praying for ourselves...eventually we see it really is for our comfort that we pray, more often than not. We might not realize that, think that, and might be horrified at the suggestion, but all i can say, is that when I started praying for God's best, I meant for my husband.  Still seems pretty sacrificial, until you understand that I wanted my husband to submit to God's best for him, recognize it as such, so we could get on with life.  Obviously, Gods best was in Indiana, and the sooner he recognized it, the happier I would be.  Truth be told, and to be fair, yes, I wanted God's best for me. Yes, I was becoming desperate to let Him have His way in me, where ever that road led. Yes, I began to realize that His way is best, no matter what, and above all, I wanted His best for me too. My joy was not found in circumstances, but in the God of my circumstances who was personally choosing the path for me that would create the most hunger and thirst for Him. How I want that! But one does not know what one believes, truly, deep down, until she is given the opportunity to walk out what she says she believes.

I thought I believed that I wanted God's best for my family, no matter where that led. When my husband told me the church with whom he was interviewing wanted to meet me, it stopped me cold. This church was in another state. For years, through countless interviews and skypes and questionnaires, no church we were seriously interested in wanted to meet me.  Somehow, in my heart of hearts, I knew God was going to move us. My theology challenged my reality: Haven't I prayed for God's best? Will I not receive this as His answer? Will I trust Him that this is the best not just for my husband, but for me, for our whole family, even for the Body of Christ?